PS 3505 
.H792 

I R8 
.{ 1900 
ij Copy 1 



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§ 




AMES' SERIES OF 

ARD AND MINOR DRAMA. 

Na 416. 



^ Ruben Rube.4 



(FARCE) 



WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, KNTRANOKS ANIJ EXITS, 

ilELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, 

DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND THE WHOLE OF THE 

STAGE BUSINESS; CAREFULLYMARKED FROM 

THE MOST APPROVED ACTING COPY. 



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CLYDE, OHIO : 

AMES' PUBLISHING CO. 



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^ ALPHABETICAL LIST DP ^ 

xLmBs' Edition of Plays. 



-»v£)e.,.x- 



FIFTBBN CBNTS EACH UNLESS OTHERWISE MARKED, 



WO, 



294 

2 

164 

39 

43 
100 
125 
350 

89 
113 
226 

14 
321 
272 
160 
268 
310 
161 

60 
342 
343 
152 
279 
173 
143 
162 



^^^7 

311 

283 

117 

52 

76 

141 

26 

191 

362 

337 

194 



335 



211. 

351 

163 
91 
36 
34 

229 



DRAMAS. ** "" 

Arthur Eustace. 25o 10 4 

A Desperate Game 3 2 

After Ten Years 7 5 

A Life's Revenge 7 5 

Arrah de Baugh 7 5 

Aurora Floyd 7 2 

Auld Robin Gray 25o 13 8 

By Force of Love 8 3 

Beauty of Lyons 11 2 

Bill Detrick 7 3 

Brae, the Poor House Girl..,. 4 4 

Brigands of Calabria 6 1 

Broken Links 8 4 

Beyond Pardon 7 5 

Conn; or, Love's Victory 11 3 

Clearing the Mists 5 3 

Claim Ninety-Six (96) 25c 8 5 

Dora 5 2 

Driven to the Wall 10 3 

Defending the Flag, 25c U 3 

Daisy Gnrland' Fortune, 25c 5 5 

Driven from Home 7 4 

Dutch Jake 4 3 

EastLynne 8 7 

Emigrant's Daughter 8 3 

Fielding Manor 9 6 

Gertie's Vindication 3 3 

Grandmother Hildebrand's 

Legacy. 25c 5 4 

London Assurance 9 3 

Gyp, The Heiress, 25o 5 4 

Haunted by a Shadow 8 2 

Hal Hazard, 25c 10 3 

Henry Granden 11 8 

How He Did It 3 2 

Hidden Treasures 4 2 

Hunter of the Alps 9 4 

Hidden Hand 15 7 

Josh W'nches«^er 5 3 

Kathleen Mavourneen 12 4 

Lights and Shadows ot the 

Great Rebellion, 25c 10 5 

Lady of Lyons 12 5 

Lady Audley's Secret 6 4 

Little Goldie, 25c 11 3 

Lost in London 6 3 

Miller's Daughter, 25o 7 6 

Mrs. Willis' Will 5 

Uj Pard, 25c 6 5 

Kii.i. and Wife 12 6 

Maud's Peril 5 7 

Midnight Mistake 6 3 

Millie, the Quadroon 5 2 

Miriam's Crime 5 6 

Michael Erie 8 2 

Miller of Derwent Water 5 3 

Mistletoe Bough 7 2 

Mountebanks (The) 6 3 

New York Book Agent 7 2 



NO. 

^7 

223 

81 

333 



331 
196 

29 
278 
301 

18 

280 

5 

110 

45 
363 

79 
275 



351 
144 
318 
284 
242 

67 

97 
119 
304 

93 
314 
112 
322 

71 
306 
105 
201 
293 
193 
277 
200 
290 
121 

41 
192 



Our Country Aunt 

Old Honesty 5 

Old Phil's Birthday 5 

Our Kittie 6 

Outcast's Wife 12 

Out on the Worid 5 

Old Wayside Inn, The 9 

Oath Bound 6 

Painter oiF Ghent 5 

Penn Hapgood 10 

Peleg and Peter, 25c 4 

Poacher's Doom 8 

Pheelim O'Rookes' CJurse 8 

Phyllis, the Beggar Girl 6 

Reverses 12 

Rock Allen 5 

Stub, 2ic 8 

Spy of Atlanta, 25c 14 

Simple Silas 6 

Sweetbrier 11 

Squire's Daughter 5 

The Winning Hand 6 

Thekla 9 

The Adventuress 8 

The Commercial Drummer.... 6 

The Dutch Recruit 25c 14 

The False Friend 6 

The Fatal Blow 7 

The Forty-Niners 10 

The General Manager 5 

The Gentleman in Black 9 

The Haunted Mill 5 

The New Magdalen 8 

The Raw Recruit 6 

The Reward of Crime 5 

The Three Hats 4 

Through Snow and Sunshine 6 

Ticket of Leave Man 9 

Tom Blossom 9 

Toodles 7 

The Musical Captain, 25c 15 

Uncle Tom's Cabin 15 

Wild Mab 6 

Will-o'-the-Wisp, 9 

Won at Last 7 

Zion 7 



TEMPERANCE PjLAYS. 

73 At Last 7 1 

75 Adrift 5 4 

187 Aunt Dinah's Pledge 6 3 

254 Dot; the Miner's Daughter... 9 5 

202 Drunkard [The] 13 5 

185 Drunkard's Warning 6 3 

189 Drunkard's Doom 15 5 

181 Fifteen Years of a Drunk- 
ard's Life 13 4 

183 Fruits of the Wine Cup 6 3 

104 Lost 6 2 



_r£i 



Ruben Rube; 



-OR- 

My Invalid Aunt. 

FARCE 

IN ONE ACT 
Af Z. Ghipman, 

A utlior of ' 'Little Wife. ' ' 
ALL PROFESSIONAL RIGHTS RESERVED BY AUTHOR. 



TO WHICH IS ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES-CAST OF THE CHARAC- 
TERS—ENTRANCES AND EXITS -RELATIVE POSITIONS 
OF THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE 
WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



Entered accovding to act of Congress in the year 1900 by 

AMES' PUBLISHING CO., 
in the offije of the Librarian of Congress at Wasliington. 



AMES' PUBLISHING CO. 

CLYDE. OHIO: 



86155 y ^f <ii>tsgP99^ 

^fU^9 of t&e 
SECOND COPY. FEB 24 1900 

RUBEN RUBBiUr if conyr?,*rv:^ 
CAST OF CHARACTERS.^ ^274, 

Ruben Rube, From New H(imj)sJnre. 

Hamlet Brown, New York business nuin. 

Mable Dash, Fashionable youvcj widow. 

TIME OF PLAYING— 30 minuies, [with innovation 
of vnisical specialties. ) 

COSTUMES 

Ruben Rube. — Coimtry boy from New Hampsliire; big 
boots, coat, slioit pants, etc. 

Brown. — Neat business suit, mustaclie. 

Widow.— Handsome street dress, liat, parasol and 
gloves^ etc. 

X 

PROPERTIES. 

Drapery curtains, carpel, nice I'nriuture, sofa, two parlor chairs, 
loiio- rope Ining- up willi pulley in flies, two feet in front of r. e., <>ors 
over to another pulley outside U. E. flies, wiMi snap on end that pulls 
down and <ioes at back of c. D., to pull Ruben up at end ofacl. 
Huben wears a harness under his dress with a ring- in back so to catch 
snapon rope. ]>ed)5ix feet long-, eighteen inches liigh and wide, maib' 
1o break in middle, by pulling- out C. legs with rope running oiilsitir 
througii d(!()r k. Fancy table, foot of bed, twopint botllps, tiotli half 
full t>r milk, on table, witj\ drinking glass and piece of muskmelion, 
also a cone of paper, with two table spoonful of corn starch in same, 
to throw in Ruben's face. Card on table, also screen to cover bed all 
but about pighleeu inches at foot to show RiibPii's boots. Night 
dress for Ruben, long enough to come within Unci' oi- I'onr inches of 
boot tops. Carpet bag- with horse pistol inside lor Ruben. J^lack 
cigar box with two strings with handles at end of strings fiu- flattery, 
small cannon cracker in other end of box, placed backot bed. Double 
barrel shot gun, blank catridges in same, sure tire outside ]{., ,'3 k., 
for explosion, also pan of red Are, 3{., 2 k. >.' iglil gown, night caj), 
]iaii' of ]iants on the bed, also a box with corn slarcli, pulf, snuill 
looking glass on bed; revolver loaded with five blank' catridges, tap 
bell outside L. u. E. Sheet of music on sofa. Pair of pants (looks 
like Rubens) on bed for him to throw over screen. 

STAGE DIRECIIONS. 

K., means Right: l., Left; k. h., Risht Hand; l. h.. Left Hand: c. Center: s. k. 
[2d E.,] Second Entrance: v. E.. Upper Entrance; M. u., Midtlle Door; ¥., the 
Fhit: D. F., Door in Fhit; r. c, Right of Center; l. c, Left of Cenie-r. 

K. K. c. c. L. c. L. 

**■•!' The reader is supposed to be npon tlie stage facing- tlie audience. 



t 






A^ 






RUBEN RUBE; 

-OR- 

MY INVALID AUNT. 



SCENE. — Parlor — livehj music at rise of curtain. 

Elder, Hamlet Brown, l. c. e., loifh letter in hand, comes 

do ton c. 

Brown, (reads cdond) "Mr. Brown. Dear sir:— I Lava 
$500 to invest — {puis Idler in pocket) I have seen the 
time I would jump at such a chance. But now, if I can 
only catch the dashing widow with her fifty thousand, I'll 
make Rome howl! She thinks 1 have an invalid aunt 
whom I have been nursing for years. I have no invalid 
aunt, but my Landlady has promised to take the place o'; 
one, in case'the widow calls. Everything is arranged, the 
bed is there — and with the Landlady upon it sick and 
suffering ! What a picture ! ( picks card from table, reads ) 
"Dear Mr. Brown, I have gone oat for the day. Shall not 
return until late this evening. Mrs. Jones." Great 
heavens! what if the widow should call now! {hell heard 
out L. u. E.) There she is! Oh Lord! {crosses to R., sits 
in chair) What shall I do? 

jE'?i/er, Ruben Rube, c. E... carr?/t«^ a large old fashioned 
hand hag which contains a big horse pistol — com s 
doini c, grinning. 

What shall I say? What shall I do? (rising) My dear 
Mrs. Dash, I am surprised that — (turns, sees Ruben) 
Well, who the devil are you? (Ruben gives a loud Rube 



4 RUBEN RUBE, OR MY INVALID A UNT, 

laugh, Brown s'ariuig hack) I say, who the devil are 
you? (staris icicard Ruben, ivho looks frigliteiipd, turn^ 
and makes a quick dash for c. E., Brown ccdches him and 
jmlls him hack) I say, who the devil are you? (Ruben 
laughs again) Answer me fellow, who are you? 

Ruhen. Your (si^eUs) c-o-u-s-i-n. 

Broivn. What? 

Ruhen. (specdcs slowly) Y-o-u-r c-o-u-s-i-n. 

Broivn. Which cousin? AVhat cousin? 

Rid>en. C-o-u-s-i-n R-u-b-e-n. 

Broion. Ruben what? 

Ruhen. No, R-u-b-e-n R— u~b~e. 

Brown. Wh}^ not little Ruben Rube, from New 
Hampshire? 

Ruhen. Y~e— p ! 

Broicn. Why Ruben, my boy, I am glad to see you. 

Brown sJiakrs Ruben's hand vigorously, Ruben cringes 
and pulls it away ivith difficulty. 

Ruhen. Gess you be glad, beant ye? 

Brown. I am indeed. {offering liand again 

Ruhen. Nope, {crosses io L. corner) Never ag'in. 
Reglar pinch bug, you be. 

Brown, {laughs and goes to chair r. and sits) Why 
Ruben, how you have groAvn? 

Ruheii. {^hyly and aickwardly comes c. ) OL, yep! 
Ma says, "grown clean out of my britches." 

Brown, {lau giving) By the way, how is your mother? 

Ruhen. Nursing. 

Brown. What! Another baby? 

Ruhen. Nope — carbunkle. 

Brown. And your father? Does he still run the old 
mill? 

Ruhen. On, no! Mill closed. 

Broicn. Closed — what for? 

Ruhen. Oh! dam busted! Mill stopped. 

Brown. Well, Avhy don't they fix the dam. 

Ruhen. Cause, dad says the old mill ain't worth a dam. 

{laughs 

Brown, {laughs also) That's very good, Ruben. 

Ruhen. No, tain't neither, it was dam bad! No, no! I 
■mean it was a bad dam. (hoth laugh 

Brown. Is your sister going to school now? 



RUBEN RUBE, OR MY INVALID AUNT. 5 



Ruben, Wliicli? 

Brown. The youngest one, I think.. 
Rttheu. Oh! you mean the one with the freckles? 
Brown. Yes. 

Ruben. Oh! by gosh! She come nigh gettin' drowned. 
Broivn. How drowned? 
Ruben. Fell in the water-meilon patch. 
Brown. Drowned in a water-mellon patch? Ridiculous! 
Ruben. Well! if you'd seen our water-mellou patc'i 
after the big rain, you wouldn't lliink it red — i — cu — lus 
Scart sister so bid, she turned black in the face anil 
covered up all her freckles. 

Broivn. (laughs) Ruben, you are a funny chap. 
Ruben. Oh, yes, folks say I b3 a reglar clown. 
So you are. 

Yes, sir! I can turn flip flops. 
Y^ou can? 

Yes, and stand on my hea 1. (sUirls t ) do so 
No, no! you needn't try, I believe you. 
Well I can, and I come down hero to join your 



Brown. 

Ruben. 

Brown. 

Ruben. 

Brown. 

Ruben. 
circus. 

Brown. 

Ruben. 

Brown. 

Ruben. 

Broivn. 

Ruben. 

Broivn. 

Ruben. 

Brown. 

Ruben. 

Brown. 

Ruben. 
Ned? 

Brown. 

Ruben. 

Broivn. 
1 ooster. 

Ruben. 

Brown. 



I don't run a circus. 

Don't ye? Well, what do ye do? 

I'm manager of a dramatic company 

Well, don't they turn fli^i-flops? 

No. 

Or stand on their head? 

AVell, not as a rule. 

What do they do? 

Why, they play comedies and tj-agedies. 

Yep! 

And sing songs. 

That's it, by gosh! Sing songs and raise old 

Yes, yes. 

That's me, I sing like a bird. 

I am afraid, Euben, you sing more like an old 



Don't neither, I'm a hummer, I am. 
Well Ruben, I've got an old song. Just you 
•>;iit here while I go and get it, and if you cau hum that, 
:'il let you join my circus. (ea^if, ii., 1 e. 

Ruben. Well I'll hum it and sing it too, cause I can. 
{introduces smrj — at end of song 



6 R UBEN R UBE, OR M T IN VA LID A UNT. 

Elder, Brown, e., 1 e. 
Brown. Good! Excellent! My boy, yon are cliuck 
full of talent 

Ruben. No sir! I'm cliuck full of nut cakes and coffee. 

{crosses to r. 

Bdl r'uKjs ouiside, l. u. e., Brown goes to l. u. e., gets 
letter, comes c, reads. 

Broint. "Dear Mr. Brown: — I shall call at your apart- 
ment at o o'clock this p. m. Knowing you to be a patient 
and attentive nurse, feel sure I shall find you at home. 
Sincerely yours, Mable Da^h." Three o'clock! Great 
heavens! the widow will be here in five minutes, (going 
front icly to L. corner) What shall I do? What shall I 
do? 

Ruhen. {crosses to R. corner) Get a bicycle, you can 
go faster. 

Brown, {coming c.) Silence! or I'll break your neck. 

Ruhen. (rushing up c. ) No you don't! I'll get out! 
(Brown seizes Kuben and iJirou-s him to r. corner 

Brown. How dare you leave me now? 

Ruhen. AVell I won't, it* you want me to stay. 

Broicn. (goes to table, 'picJxS up (olored bottle, of milk) 
Of course I want you to stay, {di'inks — gags) Castor 
oil! Ye gods! What am I doing? (rushing down L. c 

Ruhen. (r. c.) Making a damn fool of yourself. 

Browu. ( coining c. ) How dnre you swear in my house ? 
(Kuben runs up quickl// in'o Brown's arms, he throivs 
him down R. c and turns upa hi \ returning toivard Ruben 
quickly) Boy, I'll break your neck! 

Ruben. ( who has fallen straddle of carpet bag, quickly 
j)ulls out horse pistol and points it toward Brown, who 
staggers back) Oh! I guess nit. 

Brown. Euben Rube, would you shoot your own cousin ? 

Ruben. You bet, a''ore I'd let you shoot me. 

Brown. Put down that cursed pistol and assist me, for 
I am mad! mad! (going doion to L. corner 

Ruben, (getting up)) Yes, you be crazy. 

Brown. Stny, boy, if'you don't help me, I shall loose 
$50,000. {down-R. 

Ruben. Fifty thousand dollars, (coming up c.) Jee 
whitnker! I'd blow up the whole city for that! 

(pistol in hand 



R UBEN R UBE, OR MY INVALID A UNT, 7 

Bronm. Not necessary, my boy. Listen, I am in love 
Avitli a dashing widow. Her husband died and left her 
lifty thousand dollars. 

Ruben. Yes, and she'll keep it. 

Brown. JSlie will keep it unless I can prove to her that 
I am a man more fond of love and duty, than I am of 
money. 

Rnhe)i. Yep. 

Brown. Her first husband was a cruel moiistar, il she 
marries again, it must be for love! nothing but love. 

Ruben, {cxtvavaganihj) Love! nothing but lov.^! 

Broun. What shall I do? {going down to r. corner 

Rnhen. (coming c. ) Sure she has got the $50,000. 

Brown. Yes. 

Ruben. Then marry her quick! and get the $50,000. 

{going io r. corner 

Brown, {crosses iipc.) Ah! but wait! Hhe believes 
1 have an invalid aunt whom I have been nursing for 
years. 

Rube)}. Ye[)\ 

Broicn. {dispondentlg going io L. corner) AYell, I 
have no invalid aunt. 

Ruben, {up c.) Then you lied to her? 

Brown. Yes, I have lied to her. 

Ridden, {going down io R. corner) That settles your 
$50,000. 

Broirn. Not altogether, my boy. {up c.) Hear me 
out. You see, my Landlady has promised to take the [)lac3 
of my Invalid Aunt, in case the widow calls. Now the 
Landlady is out, and the widow will be here in three 
minutes. Do you see? 

Ruben' Yep, I see. 

Brown. I have it. 

Ruben. AVhat, the $50,000? Hang on to it. 

Brown. No, no! Ah! now I see! You my bo}^, you 
shall take the place of my invalid Aunt? 

Ruben. \Yhat! I be your sick aunt! Weli Iguess not! 

R siting up c. into Brown's (irnis, and is iJirown bach, info 

R. cor)un\ 

Brow,ii. Fool that you are! Why, if you h^lp me to do 
tills, I'll give you a hundred dollars to start a circus. 
Ruben. A hundred dollars and a circus? AVhat am I 



8 E UBEN R UBE, OR M T INVALID A UNT, 

to do? 

Brown. Well you must lie on that bed, take cod liver 
oil and castor oil every minute while the widow is here. 

Ruben. I have got to take cod liver oil and castor oil 
every minute while the widow is here? 

Broivn. Yes sir! 

Ruben. "Well, how long will she stay? 

Broivn. Oh! I don't know; a day! a week! a month! 
i:)erhaps a year! 

Ruben. What! I have got to take cod liver and caster 
oil every minute for a whole year? 

Broivn. Of course you have. 

Ruben. Excusa me! I am off! 

S'aris up c, catches him and ihrows him cirouud io L. 

corner. 

Brown. Oh! shaw! you only pretend too. 

Ruben. Ob! I do, and I don't? 

Broivn. That's it, only sweet milk and cand}', Now 
3'ou must take off your clothes. 

Ruben. What? Me! take off my clothes? Here! right 
here? No sir! I'll die first. 

(rushes upc. — Bkown seizes him and thj'ows him back, l. 

Broivn. Oh! it's only your outside garments. Wait, I'll 
get the dress. 

Goes to bed e., gets night-dress, night-cap, picks up cone o 
vaper off table that has corn starch in if, and turns to 
KuBEr. 

Ruben, (l. ) Here's where I die. Good-by, ma, ma. 

(goes up to Beown, c. 

Broun. Here, Kuben, here is the night-dress, here's 
the night-cap! (Ruben takes them, turns face to Beowx, 
so as to ccdch the poivder fare and square all orer face, 
when Beown throws it) and here is powder for your face. 
(throwing p^owder in Euben's face, he sneezes) Now get 
behind that screen, (throws 'RvBE'i^ around ii., lie j^oints 
horse-pistol cd Beown, he dodges and goes to e. corner) 
Don't do that I say! point it the other way. Now get be- 
hind that screen, prepare yourself, be sick! be awful sick! 

Rnhen. (points pistol agcdn) Don't you give me auy 
cod liver oil. 

Brown. No, no! get out of sight. 



RUBEN RUBE, OR MY INVALID AUNT. 



(KuBEN goes behind screen, e., s',eps out side again 
Ruhen. Don't you give me any castor oil. 

{pointing pistol 
Brown, No, no, get back I say. {hell rings ont jj. c, 
HvBE^ gets he/iind screen) Oli! Lord! the widow at last. 
I'll retire for a moment and cool off before I see lier. 

{exit, Pi., 1 E., livehj music 

Enter, Widow, l. c. e., in street costume, parasol over 
slioulder — enters icith a dash full of life and action, 
incdces a circle clean doivn to foot lights and stoics c. 

Widow. Mr. Brown! Mr. Brown! Well, I am here, but 
where is dear, delightful Mr. Brown, {discovers music on 
sofa L. ) Here is his music, {joicks it up) He can't be 
far away, {looks at music) The widow! written and com- 
posed by Mr. Brown. The widow! oh! I see! 

She tries her voice hy running the scale — BuBEX wifh night 
cap on, sticks head up above screen. 

Ruben, {imitating Widow, burlesquing it) Tra! la! 
la! lee! 

EuBEN disappears behind screen quicklg. Widow gives a 
start and sings popular song — during song, Buben 
prepares himself for t/ie sick aunt, rolls up pants, 
pids on night dress, powders face, etc. 

Enter, Bkown, b., 1 e. 

Brown, {very low courtesy) My dear Mrs. Dash, I 
am indeed honored by your presence. 

JVidoiv. {extravagant courtesy) Thank you my dear 
Mr. Brown. I owe you an appology for giving you such 
short notice, but my call is as unexpected to me, as it is to 
you. 

Brown, {half aside) I doubt that just a little. 

Widoic. What did you say? 

Brown. I am most delighted that yon are here, but you 
will find me just as I am, a plain every day man. 

Widow. And a most affectionate one, Mr. Brown. 
Pray may I inquire about your aunt? 

Brown. She is there, {pointing to bed) sleeping. Let 
us sit here, {both sit on soja, L. j I hate to disturb her, 
for she sleeps so little. 



10 RUBES RUBE, OR M Y IS VALID A UXT. 

Widoir. Let iis be carefal, fi>r fear we may wake her, 
perJiaps we are speaking too loud! You say she is sleep- 
ing? 

Broivii. Yes. 

Ruben, (head above screen) Oh! what a lie! 

{drops dote: ariiin 

Widow. What did you say? 

Bioirn. Oh! that the old lady is very shy. 

JVi'ioir. How quiet she is? 

(Ruben snores behind screen 

Broirn. (very nervous) Yes, yes, that is, she snores 
occasionally when sleeping soundly. 

TI7(/c/r. That is very natural. I never saw a man so 
thoroughly devoted! 

PiUBEN ihrcR's his coed over screen, Brown seeing it, gels it 
and hides it quicJdy under his coed. 

Brown. Oh! thank you for those words, and coming 
from your lips nudve them very dear. {coming down l. ) 
I thought aunty was awake, but I find she is dead to tlie 
workl. 

}Vidon\ iexcded, rises and crosses io w. corner, e jc - 
claiming) Dead! 

Brown. ( l. nervously pusliing coal up back) Oh! no, 
no, no, she is sleeping! sleeping quietly. 

Wiuou-. My! how you frightened me. Mr. Brown, I 
am sincere when I say, I think you one of the most noble 
and worthy men I ever met. 

Broicn. And I think you are one of the truest and 
sweelest little ladies I have ever seen. 

Widow. Oh! I could kiss you for that. 

BrowJL 1 Avish you would. 

Wid(/u\ And so I will. (Jfi("!J euibrace and kiss 

Ruben, (head alove screen) Let go! 

Widow and Bkoayn separate quickly, Widow goes L, and 
IjROWn goes i\. 

Widow Why! what was that? 

Brown. The cat in the elevator. 

Ruben, (head above screen) Or tlie pig in the soup. 

Widow. What did you remark? 

Brown. I said nothing. 

Widow. I am quite sure I heard someone speak. 



BUBEN BUBE, OB JIV JXVALID AUST. It 

Brown. I assure yon 1 never opened my lips. 

Biihen. (head (ibove screen) Oh yes, yon did, I heard 
'em go smaclc. {dadfjes down, 

IV idoic. There, I am positive now I heanl either yon 
or ypnr annty speak. I heard it plainly. (Ruben tlirow,^ 
panis over screen, Brown rnsJies np, j)ii]ls fheni off' and 
Iceepsihem behind him) Mr. Brown, what is the matter? 
Mr. Brown, yon are deceiving me! 

Brown, {very nervous and excded) No, no! Mrs. Dasli, 
I assnre you I am not. I would not deceive yon for tlie 
Avorld. You are all in all to me; my heart is yours. I 
would give to you my very, soul! {co}nin<j nearer f he 

Widow) Mrs. Dash, 1 would give to yon my 

(ihoughtlesslij presents the pants to the Widoav 

Widow, {sci'eanis and sfarts hack) Mr. Brown! Mr. 
Brown! 

Br(/wn, {very excited) I — I — beg your pardon. 

Widon\ What in the world are those? 

Broken, {in trying to hide them, coed drops from nnde ' 

«i coat, he quic/dy grabs both and rolls them up) Those! 

*^ those! Avliy those are — are — bandages for aunty! (goes np 

— ' and throws them behind the bed, coming hack excitedly ) i 

beg ten thousand pardons. I am so nervous 1 don't know 

Avhat I am doiug. 

EuBEN Aas by this time got himself all prepared, and is 
in bed as tlie sick aunt — cd thi-i po.nt he pulls bed 
clothes up sx) as to show his big boots. 

Widoiv. {screams) Look! there! for heavens sake, 
look! Oh! my, what feet! 

Brown, {rushes np quickly) Yes, rlienmatism! 

Widoiv. Poor soul, they have tnrne.l bla 'k. 

Broivn. Y'es, yes, mortified! 

{pulls the bed clothes orer Ruben's boots 

Widow. Terrible sufferer! I wisli 1 could see her. 

Widow. Shall 1 wake her? 

Widow. No, no, I would rather go and not have the 
pleasure of an interview, than t;) fee^l I had disturbed her. 

Brown. {Jtalf aside) If he only keeps still, I am saved. 

Widoic. What did you say ? 

Buben. { belt. nd screen) Hamlet! Hamlet 

Brown, {crosses to ii. corner) Oh! Lord! I am lost. 

Widow There she c.ills vou no .v. Sli^ is awake. 



12 RUBEN RUBE, OR BIT INVALID AUNT. 

Brown, (aside) Damn it — yes. 

Widoiv. AYhat? 

Brown. Yes, yes, awake! I am so deliglited. 

Riihen. Hamlet! Hamlet! who are you talking too? 

Brown. To my dearest friend, aunty. 

Ruben. Let me see her. 

Broun, (aside) You villain! (removes' screen — aloud) 
Aunty, this is my dearest friend, Mrs. Dash. 

Ruben. What, the widow with the $50,000? 

Broun. ( /o Euben, as^de) Shut up! 

Ruben, (iceak voice, face ivhite, night cap, etc.) I am 
glad to see you; Oh! [fries io rise upon pilloio) Oh' 
(falls bach) Oh! that awful pain! Come closer, my dear. 

Widow. (rcdher*,shy, goes little closer to Euben) I am 
sorry to see you sutfer so. 

Ruben. Then kiss me my dear. (Widow starts back 

Brown. (R. corner) Ye gods! 

Widoic. Oh, yes! certainly. (EuBEN has funny busi- 
ness getting ready, makes up horrible face as Widow conies 
closer, she sliriid^s back — aside) Oh! that face; I can't, 1 
can't. 

Riiben. Come baby, kiss your aunty. 

Business worked up funny as possible, at Zas/KuBENr/?'a6.s- 
the Widow and pulls her face close io his, she struf,- 
gles, at last brecdcs away — has poioder on her face, 
not too mucli, and don I over do the funny business. 

Widoic. (down L. corner, frightened) Mr. Brown! Mr. 
Brown! yonr aunty has a very feverish breath. 

Broicn. Yes, I know, (crosses to Widow, L.) Com- 
plication of diseases, first hot, then cold. Now she has a 
raging fever. I must give the remedy (goes to table, gets 
the piece of niuskmellon) for fever. 

Widoic. What's that? 

Broicn. Quinine. 

Widcic. All of that at one dose, it will kill her. 

Brown. No indeed. She can swallow a goose-egg with 
perfect pleasure. 

Widoic. Pleasure! Yes, it ought to tickle her to death. 

Brown, (going to 'Rvbe'^, offering muskmellon) Here 
aunty, is your dose. 

Ruben, (icdces it in hand) Must I take it all? 

Broicn. Of course. 



RUBEN RUBE, OR MY INVA LID A U2sT. 13 

Riihen. What do I get for a chaser? 

Widow. What's a chaser? 

Brown. Medical phrase for a jxisher. {goes quicldfj io 
i(ible) 111 this case, I will give a castor oil sandwich. 
(jxmrs out one-fourfh of a glass of milk irom first bottle 
Widoiu. What's a castor oil sandwich? 

Brown, {takes bottle No. 2,pourui:i out milk until glass 
is Jialffull) One dose of castor oil {fakes up bottle No. 
1 aqain and nearly fills glass) between two doses of cod- 
liver oil. {goes to KuBEN 

Widow. Great heavens! who ever heard of a dose like 
that? 

Brown. Here aunty, this will slip down. 

Ruben, {talces glass—aside) My boy, I am afraid it 
will slipnp. {drinJ{s 

Brown. Annty, will you have some more? 

Ruben. Yes, give me the bottle. (Brow^n gices bottle 

Widow. Oh, Lord! it will kill her. 

Brown. Not at all my dear lady. You see, extreme 
cases require extreme measures. 

Widoic. I have no doubt you understand the case. 
What a good man you are. 

Brown. Yes! {coming toward Widow, icIlo is down^ l. 

Ruben, {imitating Brown in extravagant way —aside) 
Yes! 

IVidow. So patient. 

Brown. (witJi increasing enthusiasm) Yes! 

Ruben, (burlesquing Brown) Yes! 

Widow. So kind. 

Brown. Yes! 

Ruben. Yes! 

JVidow. So true. (eacli time madding it stronger 

Brown, (verij strong) Yes! yes! 

Ruben, {strong as 2^ossible) Yes! yes! 

Widow. Who could help loving such a man. 

Brown. Oh! say those words again! Say that I may 
call von dear. 

Widow. Y"es! (tragic, crosses to n. corner 

Ruben. {specdiS in sams style) Yes! 

Brown. Say that we shall be like those lovers of old, 
"Two souls with but a single thought, t\yo hearts that beat 

;is one." ^^ 

Ruben, {aside) Go it Brown, and get tlie.'byO,000. 



U nuBEN nVBE, OR MY IK VALID A VNT. 

Widow. I know, I know, but mine is a jealous love, 
and it* you were to prove false to me, I Avould kill you. 

Brown. I would deserve to die. 

llnhen. {aside) And you would die! 

Widoiv. Then swear to me! swear to me! 

Jinhni. {aside) Swear! damn it! swear! 

Widow. Swear that you will keep that oath? 

Broioii. And so 1 do swear. 

Buben. {aside) No you don't, but you should! 

lI7^/o/r. Stay! {placing hand io head and in a ivagic 
valh-, crosses to l. corner) Oh! let me think! let me think!. 

Brown. There is no time to think. Say! sny that you 
will be my wife? 

Widoic. {in a strong ione, exclaims) Yes! ])y my soul 
I will. {jidls in Bkown's arms 

Bnben. Wongh! got the |100 and the cii'cus! AVough! 
wough! {both siart up 

{y I, \ ■ {exclaiming) What's the matter? 

Bnben. {shaking all orer) A chill! a chill! a chill! 

Brown, {franiiccdly, goes to K. corner) A chill! what 
shall I 2;ive for a chill? Oh, I know, {goes np io bed at 
back) The battery! 

Gels balferu, comes Io foot of bed. lays il on floor, puis 
handles under covers of bed 

Widow- What's that? 
Brown. Dynamo! the battery! 

Widoir. [screams, goes to L. corner) Oh, Lord! A 
dynamo! 

Bnben. A damn-i-no! The circus is busted! 

(Brown lights mcdch and liglds fu-e ci'cicker in box 
Widow. Don't do that! 
Brown. I must, for she is dying. 

EuBEN kicl^s and screams, fire cracker goes off, simullane- 
ovsly gun is fired off L., 2 E., rope is pulled — be I 
brecdxs — explosion and general commolion — Eubex, 
ivhojcdls tcith bed, crawls aid of bed-clothes as quickly 
as 2^0Fsible, in night dress, comes c. 

Bubeii. Here, I won't stand for this! 
Broivn. Or I for this! 



nUBEN RUBE, OR 21Y IXVALiriAUNT: 15 

Brown grcibs Ruben and tJiroics him oit! of pnprr covered 
wmdoiv, L. U. E.,— 6/V7 crash oulside— picks ttj) 
loaded revolver — rope is snaped in riiuj at his hack, 
men at other end, ready to pnll Ruben up— as RubilN 
(joes ilirougli iciudoic, AViDOW screa)n<, (joe^ to b. cor- 
ner — Bbown retnrns to c, starts toirard AViDOW, (vho 
rushes across sfatjeto L. comer, txeepin(j 11 j) ( .rcifenten . 

Widow. Monster! keep away from me! Keep away 1 
say ! 

Brown. Mrs. Dash, I beg of you, I b?seacli yon, let me 
explain. 

Widow. Back sir! back I say! You Lave plaved me 
false! 

Brown. No, I have not. If you Avill only listen. Let 
me explain. I Avill tell you everything. 

Widow. I'll not listen. Scoujidrel, you have deceived 
me! (Ruben jires pistol outside, one siiol) Leave me 
wretch! I say, you have deceived me! {pusJies Buowx 
over tinlo ilte brotcen bed) I leave you forever! 

[starts up a 
Ruben, {yelling outside i^. c.) I have shot the dog. 

Enter, Ruben, c. e., ivith umbrella raised, fires second s/tot, 
AViDOW screams, runs L., jumps up on sofa, raises 
pai'((sol. 

Ruben, (as tie gets to c, men pull rope) I am off for 
Tall Timber! 

Ruben sliootincj the revolver as he is goinc/ u.p, and- gets 
up about six feet, ring curtain— hold Ruben up till 
curtain is down — red fire — general commotion till end 
- -Brown in bed, kicking and screaming. 

CURTAIN. 

THE end. 



Under the American Flag. 

A Spa?ii'<h American Drama in 4 acts, hy Hilton Coon, for 6 male and 3 
femcde characterx. 'Time of playing, 2 hours and 15 mimites. 






SYIWPSIS OF EVENTS. 

ACT I.— ITome of Gciiei-al PvomeroF. Nerverra. Manilla— A prison- 
er of Avar. 

ACT II. — Ivamparls of Hip Fort de Santiag-o — Tlie escape. 

ACT 111. — The same — The bombardment of Manilla. 

ACT IV. — The land of the free— Patrick O'lioogan's home near 
Fort Hamilton, Cal. — Two weeks later. Price, 25cts. 

WHO'S WHO; OR ALL IN A FOG- 

A farce in one act, by Thomns J, "Williams, for 3 male and 2 
female cliaracters. Costumt's modern. Time for representation, 
-10 minutes. The series of amusino- situations are brought about by 
a number of cases of mistnlveii identity. Everybody is mistaken fur 
everybody else, and the complications arising are extremely laug-lia- 
ble. The characters are all capital, and the piece never fails to 
divert an audience. Price, 15cts. 

POPPING THE QUESTION. 

A farce in 1 act, by J. ]>. Buckstone, as played at the Park 
Theatre, N. Y., for 2 male and 4 female characters. Time of play- 
ing, 40 minutes. The entanglements in which an amorous, elderly 
gentleman finds himself because of his roundabout Avay of "popping 
the question," are deliciously funn}', Avhile the culminating scene 
between himself and the two old maids is one of the most comical 
things ever witnessed. Easy to play, and always brines down the 
house. Requires no scenery. Price, ]5cts. 

A NEW TEMPERANCE FARCE, ENTITLED 

"Switched Off," 

BY LIZZIE MAY-ELWYN. 

Autl'cr of "Dot. the Minor's Daughter," for 8 female characters, 
can double to (>. Parlor scene. T^ime of playing, 25 minutes. Mrs. 
Marsh advocates the moderate use of liquor — her daughter returning 
liome from school, hears of her mother's views, and with some girl 
friends, decide to switcii her otV the whiskey track, with the aid of 
two Irish servants. They show \ip the, moderate use of liquor in a 
way that soon convinces Mrs. INlarsh. that to abolish it entirel}', is 
theonly safe way. Grandmother 'I'aylor. a strong temperance woman, 
speaks her mind freely. Tlip result is that all sign the temperance 
pledge. A tip top farce— full of fun — characters all good. 

Price, 15cts. 



^ 



ilmes' Plays— GontlnuBd. 



so. 

146 
53 
51 
59 

102 
68 
62 
58 



Our Awful Aunt 4 4 

Out in the Streets o 4 

Rescued ^ % 

Saved ;.,•• S ^ 

Turn of the Tide 7 4 

Three Glasses a Day^. 4 ^ 

Ten Nights in a Bar-Koom... 7 6 

Wrecked - » ^ 

COMEDIES. 
A Day In A Doctor's Office... 5 1 

A Legal Holiday 5 3 

A Pleasure Trip 7 6 

An Afflicted Family 7 5 

Caught m the Act 7 6 

Captured o 4 

Caste I g 

Factory Girl o 6 

Heroic Dutchman of 76 8 6 

Home 4 3 

Love's Labor Not Lost S o 

Mr.Hudson's Tiger Hunt 1 1 

New Years in N. Y 7 6 

Not So Bad After All 6 5 

Not Such a Fool as He Looks 6 3 

OurB ys 6 4 

Our Daughters 8 b 

Pug and the Baby 5 3 

Passions 8 4 

Prof. James' Experience 

Teaching Country School 4 3 

Rags and Bottles ;;.. 4 1 

Scale with Sharps and Flats.. 3 2 

Solon Shingle 14 2 

Two Bad Boys 7 3 

The Biter Bit 3 2 

The Cigarette 4 2 

$2,000 Reward 2 

TRAGEDIES. 

16 The Serf 6 3 

FARCES&COMEDIETTAS. 

129 Aar-u-ag-oos 2 1 

132 Actor and Servant ? 1 

316 Aunt Charlotte's Maid 3 3 

289 A Colonel's Mishap 5 

12 A Capital Match 8 2 

303 A Kiss in the Dark 2 3 

166 ATexan Mother-in-Law 4 2 

30 A Day Well Spent 7 5 

169 A Regular Fix 2 4 

286 A Professional Gardener 4 2 

80 Alarmingly Suspicious 4 3 

320 AllInAMud^ile 3 3 

78 An Awfiil Criminal 3 3 

313 A Matchmaking Father 2 2 

31 A Pet of the Public 4 2 

21 A Romantic Attachment 3 3 

123 A ThrilUng Item 3 1 

20 A Ticket of Leave 3 2 

329 A Valets, Mistake 5 4 

324 A Day in a Doctors Office 5 1 

175 Betsey Baker 2 2 



136 
168 
124 
257 
248 
178 
176 
207 
T99 
174 
158 
149 
37 
237 
338 
126 
265 
114 
264 

219 
239 
221 
262 
87 
131 



49 
72 
19 
220 
188 
42 
148 
218 
224 
233 
154 
184 
274 
209 
13 
307 



271 
116 
120 

50 
140 

74 

35 
247 

95 
305 
299 

11 
323 

99 

82 
182 
127 
228 
302 

106 
288 
139 
231 
235 
69 
23 
208 
212 
32 
186 
273 
296 
259 
340 
334 
44 
33 



Si. 



M. F. 

Bettor Half 5 2 

Black vs. White 4 2 

Captain Smith 3 6 

Cheek Will Win 3 

Cousin Josiali 1 1 

Cupids Capers .....^^. 4 4 

Cleveland 8 Reception Party. 5 o 

Double Election 9 1 

Der Two Surprises 1 1 

Deuce is in Him » 1 

Did I Dream it 4 3 

Dutchy vs. Nigger 3 

Dutch Prize Fighter 3 

Domesiic Felicity...... 1 1 

Eh? W. at Did You Say 3 1 

Everybody Astonished 4 

Fooling with the Wrong Man 2 1 
Freezing a Moiher-in-Law... 2 1 

Fun in a Post Office 4 2 

Family Discipline 1 

Family Jars .- 5 2 

Goose with the Golden Eggs.. 5 3 

Give Me My Wife ....:•... 3 3 

Hallabahoola, the Medicine ^ 

xMan 4 

Hans, the Dutch J. P 3 

Hans Bruaimers Cafe 5 

Hash 4 

H. M. S. Plum 1 

How She has Own Way 1 

How He Popped the Quest'n. 1 

How to Tame M-in-Law 4 A 

How Stout Your Getting 5 2 

Incompatibility of Temper... 1 ^ 

In the Wrong Clothes 5 3 

Jacob ShlafE's Mistake 3 2 

Jimmie Jones » 2 

John Smith 5 3 

Joh:ines Blatz's Mistake 4 6 

Jumbo Jum 4 

Killing Time 1 

Kittie's Wedding Cake 1 

Lick Skillet Wedding 2 

Lauderbach's Little Surprise 3 
Looked in a Dress-maker's 

Room 3 

Lodyings for Two 3 

Love in all Corners 5 ^ 

Matrimonial Bliss 1 1 

Match for a other-Min-Law.. 2 2 

More Blunders than one 4 3 

Mother's Fool 6 1 

My Heart's in Highlands 4 3 

My Precious Betsey .C 4 4 

My Turn Next 4 3 

My Wife's Relations 4 4 

My Day and Now-a-Days 1 

My Neighbor's Wife 3 3 

Nanka's Leap Year Venture.. 5 ^ 

Nobody's Moke 5 ^ 

Our Hotel 5 3 

OUvet..... 3 2 

Obedience ~..-. 1 * 

On the Sly 3 2_ 

ro 



a 




VO. . r, 

57 Paddy Miles' Boy........... ;.' ^ 

217 Patent Washing Machine | i 

1-55 Persecuted Dutchman b o 

m PoorPilicody ^ ^ 

159 Quiet Family..... * ^ 

171 Rough Diamond * ^ 

ISO Ripples^. •;••;;;:;;;;;;;; 2 

309 SsSS Cl*au8'"'DaSter. 5 * 

48 SohTiapa^......;..~..i-¥.-::v::i S 



i:i8 Sewing Circle of Period, 

115 S.H. A.M. Pinafore ;3 ^ 

,"15 Somebody's Nobody g ^ 

327 Strictly Temperan'^e ^ ^ 

2.'?2 Stage vStruck Yankee * - 

241 Struck bv Lightning ^ ^ 

270 Slick and Skmner » ' 

1 Slasher and Crasher & ^ 

326 Too Many Couains......... ^ ^ 

3;W Two Gentlemen m a Fix ^ 

137 Taking the Census 1 ^ 

328 The Landlords Revenue | 

2n2 That Awful Carpet Bag -^ '^ 

315 That Rascal Pat........ ^ ^ 

40 That Mysterious B die • ^ ^ 

38 The Bewitched Closet -^ ^ 

101 TheComingMan % ^ 

167 Turn Him Out... 2 i 

291 The Actor's^ Scheme 4 4 

308 The Irish Squire of Squash ^ ^ 

2S5 The Mashera Mashed ^ n 

68 The Sham Prof'^asor 4 U 

295 The Snellin' Skewl 7 6 

i ISfrtte'fctBirtM^^^^ 

292 Tim Flannigan ^ !,' 

U2 Tit for Tat rij—T^-^i^ % \ 

276 The Printer and His Dovils.. d 1 

263 Trials of a Country Editor.... 6 ^ 

7 The Wonderful Telephone.... J J 

281 Two Aunt EmUys ^' » 

312 Uncle Ethan * | 

269 Unnust Justice ^ ^ 

170 U.S. Mail ^ Z 

£13 Vermont Wool Dealer 5 

832 Which is mich.... f 

151 Wanted a Husoand.. .....; ^ 

56 Wooing Under Difficulties.... 5 

70 Which will he Marry j 

135 Widower's Trials * 

147 Waking Him. Up. .^...•■■•••- ^ 

155 Why they Joined the Re- ^ ^ 

3 1 

3 



111 Yankee Duelist ^ 

157 Yankee Peddler.^.-. ^ 

GUIDE BOOKS. 

17 Hints on Elocution 

r-V) Hints to Amateurs 

CANTATA. 

n^ On to Victxirv -- * *" 

^P- The Little Gem MaJce-Up Box . Price 50 Cents 



015 906 263 6 

204 Academy of Stars 6 

3-5 A Oomcidence....... » » 

05 An Unwelcome Return ^ | 

15 An Unhappy Pair -i ^ 

172 Black Shoemaker * ^ 

&8 BlackSt^iue. * ^ 

22 Colored Seuator<i -^ u 

214 Chops.. .....^ I \ 

li5 Cuff's Luck - ^ {. 

190 Crimps Trip •■• ^ " 

27 Fetter Lane to Gravesend .^ U 

158 Haunted Hous^. % !/ 

230 Hamlet the Dainty....... o i 

103 How Sister Pavey got ner 

Child BaT>tT7,ed ^ } 

24 Handy Andv. ^ " 

2:6 Hypochondriac The ^ '^ 

319 In For It 9 ' 

47 In the Wrong Box f y 

77 Joe's Visit........ j i 

88 Mischievous Nigger « :^ 

2f>6' Midnight Colic i j. 

128 Musical Darkey • ^ !/ 

90 No Cure No Pay...... ^ ,!. 

61 Not as Deaf as He See»ns ^ ti 

244 Old Clothes...... -^ !/ 

234 Old Dad's Cabin ^ ^ 

150 OldPompey \ \ 

246 Othello v^:v\ t h 

109 Other People's Chi dren f ^ 

297 Pomp Green's bnakes f >J 

134 Pomn's Pranks......... •.••••• ^ " 

2f.8 Prof. Bones'Lfltest Invention 5 

177 Quaxrolsome Servants ^ " 

96 Rooms to Let ^ ^ 

107 School^. .; % J 

133 SeeingBostmg 'I ^ 

179 Sham Doctor..... ? f. 

94 16.000 Years Ago | ]^ 

243 Sports on a Lark g " 

25 Sport with a Sportsmsxn j^ u 

92 Stage Struck parkev ^ l 

'm Strawberry Shortcnke ^ ^ 

10 Stocks Up, Stocks Down 2 b 

C4 That Boy Sam ^ J 

2r.3 The Best Cure ...^. * ^ 

282 The Intelligence Office -1 ^^ 

122 The Select School ^ ^ 

118 The Popcorn Man -^ i 

6 The Studio l " 

108 Those Awful Boys % <^ 

245 Ticket Taker.,. ' ^ y 

4 Twain's Dodging g ^ 

197 Tricks....... "• • I I 

198 Uncle JefE..... I \ 

216 Vice Versa.. ...^........ ^ \ 

206 VUlkens and Din&h * i 

210 Virginia Mumm«... ^ { 

2«3 "Who Stole the CntckottB l \ 

205 WmiareTell...,^,.;..^- -;;^ J 
15.6 Wig-Makennd Hi?^»"''«'Tits.^ 

Happy Franks Soncter 



